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by Ann Wuehler

FROG: A woman biologically, but lives life as a man.
CHRISTY: A woman, half-sister to Frog.

An alley somewhere in Springfield, Oregon. Clean, with not that much trash. A Sunday morning, rather overcast. Time is now.

[Lights up on FROG, wearing jeans, a sweater over a t-shirt, hair oiled back, waits with big sighs. CHRISTY enters, stops.]

FROG: Late, aren't ya?

[Christy wears a long feminine skirt and high heel boots. She is about to keep going when she stops, a deliberate stop.]

CHRISTY: Ah. Frog. Once a tadpole, now a Frog.

FROG: I thought you were gone. I almost thought you wouldn't come walking this way. I thought you were engaged and wildly in love with ... what's his name again? Master?

CHRISTY: I AM engaged.

FROG: Great.

CHRISTY: I don't need your sarcasm...

FROG: What do you need? Uh? What do you need ... BABY?

CHRISTY: [Goes to Frog, pokes her in chest. Frog recoils a little.] You are such a big pile of steaming shit. And you're too short to be a man.

FROG: Height has nothing to do with masculinity. [Silence. Christy retreats, but Frog catches her by arm, smiles.] Hey. Come on. I got a few minutes. I been waiting for an hour almost...

CHRISTY: Why? Is the freak bus late?

FROG: Yeah. The freak bus is late. So tell me ... Christy. How's ... how's my mom doing? [Christy clears her throat, doesn't meet Frog's eyes.] That good.

CHRISTY: I don't think you should go home for a while. If ever.

FROG: Why, has her aim improved? I never actually called that place home.

CHRISTY: You shouldn't have pressed charges.

FROG: I dropped them, didn't I? She's been through a lot, just has to get used to me being ... me. So. Am I invited to your wedding? A good girl's wedding...

CHRISTY: No. I don't want you there. Nobody does. Are we done catching up?

FROG: No, not quite. [Grabs Christy, plants a kiss on her. Christy clings to Frog for a moment, then pushes away, wiping her lips, smearing her lipstick.] Wow ... you're drinking awful early on a Sunday morning. [Grins. Christy at a distance now, glaring.] Come on ... what's a kiss between sisters? Well, between brother and sister...

CHRISTY: You are not my sister. Or brother!

FROG: Uh ... we have the same dad. So ... yeah, biologically, we are. Sisters.

CHRISTY: I don't care. We're not anything. You ripped the family apart. And you're not even sorry. [Pause.] You know I walk by here on Sundays to buy the paper.

FROG: I wanted to see you.

CHRISTY: Why? The truth.

FROG: Come on, Christy.

CHRISTY: You've seen me. [Turns in a brisk circle.]

FROG: Okay, okay, okay. [Comes toward Christy a little. Christy at once backs away. Frog stops.] Relax. I'm not going to do anything to you. You're ... you smell nice.

CHRISTY: You wanted to see me because I smell nice?

FROG: You seriously want to get this all out? Is that what you want?

CHRISTY: No. I don't. [Silence. She begins to exit, then stops.] Because there's nothing to get out. There's nothing to say. Except insults.

FROG: You kissed me back ... what about that?

CHRISTY: You're insane. And grabby.

FROG: I'm in love with you. [Silence. The two are frozen as if any movement will cause them to shatter.] I guess I am insane. And grabby.

CHRISTY: I guess I'm deaf.

FROG: No ... no, wait, don't go. I take it back. I was just playing with you, messing with your mind. I take it back! I always wanted to know why you buy the paper, why don't you just get a subscription? Can't your boyfriend afford it?

CHRISTY: I like the walk. I only read it on Sundays. Why get a paper you're not going to read except on Sundays?? Why waste money like that??

FROG: Okay.

CHRISTY: Ben doesn't read it, he reads the Oregonian. He has a subscription to that!

FROG: Wow. Okay. Calm down.

CHRISTY: Calm down? After you tell me you love me??

FROG: You know, this is precisely the reaction I expected. Thank you for living up to my expectations. And now you can tell the rest of the clan about this. Except the kiss, not about that, not about how you liked it. No, no, just about meeting up with me. How everyone is going to be horrified or laugh their asses off!! That Frog, originally born as Penelope, what are we going to do with him? Shoot him? Refuse to speak to him? Refuse to take his calls?? What shall we do with that awful Frog?????

[Christy steps toward Frog.]

CHRISTY: Her. What are we going to do with her. [Shrugs at Frog's anger.]

FROG: You're so delightful. So funny. So understanding.

CHRISTY: Thank you.

FROG: I don't understand why you are still standing here. If I'm so awful. Why are you still here?

CHRISTY: Have a nice life, Penelope.

FROG: I was never a girl. [Silence. Frog laughs, forces it out.] Wait ... let's ... let's start over. How are you? How's Ben? Did you have an engagement party yet? Are you moving to Bellevue? Did you get your Master's yet?


FROG: You were going to get a degree in business, an MBA or something with lots of letters. Did you get it yet?

CHRISTY: Why do you care? Oh yeah ... because you love me.

FROG: Because I want you to have what you want.

CHRISTY: No, I'm not getting it. Happy?

FROG: No. Why not? Oh ... I know.

CHRISTY: No, you don't. And it has nothing to do with Ben. He's all for me going back to school...

FROG: Sure he is.

CHRISTY: No ... it's you. I don't want to stay here in Springfield ... where you are.

FROG: That's easy. Convenient. I didn't know I was such a temptation to you ... it gives me hope. Because you could go another way on your weekly walk to buy the paper—avoid me altogether.

CHRISTY: Hope of what? What do you think is going to happen? I am your sister. We are sisters. You don't want to hear that, but it's true. My dad knocked up his sister-in-law!! Thanks, Dad.

FROG: My mom said, once when she was really really really drunk ... that he raped her.

[Christy suddenly unzips her boots, kicks them off, wiggles her feet.]

CHRISTY: Goddamn shoes ... I was coming right back. God damn shoes.

FROG: Christy.

CHRISTY: Don't. It's not even true. Your mom's a slutwhore boozehound bitch.

FROG: Yes, but she's an honest one. It doesn't matter anyway. If he did or not.

CHRISTY: He didn't. Why are you, of all people, defending your mom? She tried to shoot you.

FROG: Well ... yeah, okay, because her daughter turned out to be her son. It was a shock. And people do awful things when they're in shock. Forgive, I say. Forgive and get on with it.

CHRISTY: So you're a saint and we're all assholes? Is that how that works?

FROG: Yes, I believe it is. You, dear Christy, do everything you think you should do. Dot every i, cross every t....

CHRISTY: It's called acting normally. Glad it's clear we're all assholes!

FROG: Nothing's ever clear. So ... want to go back to my place? I'll make scrambled eggs. And I won't make you wear heels when you go for walks.


FROG: I pick the shells out now.


FROG: Don't you wish ... you could say yes to me? That you could walk home with me ... and we could start a new life?

CHRISTY: Frog...!

FROG: I can see it on your face. Since we were little.

CHRISTY: I want this ended. Right now. This minute. You make me sick, you disgust me.

FROG: I disgust myself sometimes.

CHRISTY: Listen to me. For once ... listen to me. This has to stop. I came this way, hoping you would be here, so I could tell you to leave me alone. I am getting married ... so I don't ... so we don't. I dream about you ... and I don't want to. I want you to change my mind! That's what I can't stand ... that's what's killing me. You're killing me ... so please stop this. Please.

FROG: Wow.

[Silence. Christy picks up her shoes, holds them to her chest.]

CHRISTY: This is the last time. Leave us all alone.

FROG: We've had this talk before. You're the one who keeps finding me. As for the rest of the family, I haven't spoken to them for years. That thing with mom was two years ago—I haven't seen her since. I gave up my family to be who I really am ... I gave up everything to be who I really am. You really want me to stop wanting you? Fine. Today ... you get your wish. If that is really what you want.

CHRISTY: You chose to give up everything! You chose this weirdo way of life.

FROG: Shut up. We're done, aren't we? Go buy your paper.

CHRISTY: Frog. Don't you know how wrong his is, can't you feel it? It's like having blisters all the time on my feet. All the time, all the time...

FROG: Really? [Goes right to her, backs her up.] You never want to see me again? If you really wanted that, you'd be long gone. You enjoy me, you like me, you love me chasing you, it gives you a thrill, makes you feel naughty and dirty. But it goes against all your good-girl rules ... but we both know better. We both know you'd like to roll around right here...

CHRISTY: So what if I did???!!! Oh ... just ... damn it. [Silence. Frog backs off, puts back to Christy. She goes to Frog.] You're my first love, my first kiss ... and no one knows it but us. If you were a man, a real one ... we still couldn't. There are some things you just don't do. No matter ... no matter what you wish or want or need or crave in the middle of the night.

FROG: [Turns to Christy, but she backs away at once. Frog smiles very gently.] We can go anywhere, drive anywhere you want. We don't have to do anything. We can live together. Montana? New York? We could live on a Florida beach. Eat crabs and drink beer. And just ... be together.

CHRISTY: Oh Frog ... I will never tell you what you want to hear.

FROG: Just once ... wouldn't you like to? [Waits, then sighs.] Next Sunday, I won't be here.

CHRISTY: Sadly ... I think you will. I'll be in Bellevue.

FROG: Where Ben's from.


FROG: Good luck.

CHRISTY: Don't wish me luck.

FROG: I love you. I suppose you don't want that, either.

CHRISTY: You already know the answer to that.

FROG: No ... I really don't. One last chance, baby. I'm just around the corner. Scrambled eggs and laughter. Scrambled eggs and the whole world. Going ... going ... all gone?

CHRISTY: Please.

FROG: Come on. Leave Ben and Bellevue and whatever straight and narrow plan he has for you! [Takes her hands. She does not pull them away. Their eyes meet.] We can go anywhere. And you can be my sister, just my sister. And we can both be happy. I just want you to be happy. I'm watching you die right before my eyes.

CHRISTY: [A long pause.] I don't want to be dead. Oh God, I don't want to be dead anymore... [Goes to Frog, dropping boots, grabs her, kisses her fiercely, backs away. Frog waits, very still.] I don't know what to do.

FROG: Take my hand. Let's ride off into the sunset! And be happy the rest of our lives. We've grown up together. Let's grow old, too. Together.

CHRISTY: [After a long time, in a very low voice.] Okay.

[Puts her hands over her face as Frog approaches her hesitantly. Christy starts laughing, but it seems like weeping. Frog holds her as lights fade, humming.]


Copyright © 2007 by Ann Wuehler

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that Frog Loves Christy is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional and amateur stage performing, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound taping, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as information storage and retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved.

Inquiries concerning all rights should be addressed to the author at annwuehler@yahoo.com



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