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by Nick Zagone


[Back door of a Texas Tavern. SAM and RAY enter drunk and happy and loud. They turn upstage and take a leak.]

SAM: Whew wee! I love a good bar fight!

RAY: Yee haw! Me too! It sure has been a while…

SAM: When that dude hit that other dude over the head with that beer bottle? It was like a damn boxing bell. Ding ding ding Round One! I just went off! Know what I’m sayin’? It was like that Burt Reynolds movie…

RAY: Smokey and the Bandit?

SAM: No.

RAY: White Lightning? Gator?!

SAM: No, no, no… the one with the bar fight!

RAY: Well they all got a bar fight don’t they Sam?

SAM: Hooper! That’s it. Where he plays a stunt man? I felt just like Burt Reynolds in Hooper. Man I love Burt Reynolds.

RAY: Sam. Did you eat some asparagus tonight?

SAM: No. Why?

RAY: Your pee stinks!

SAM: What are you talkin’ about? It smells fine.

RAY: No man I swear your pee smells like asparagus.

SAM: Well, I didn’t eat any asparagus.

RAY: Could swear it smells like asparagus.

SAM: What the hell you talkin’ about- asparagus. What are you like a pee aficianado? I worry about you.

RAY: You ever eat asparagus? Right after you eat asparagus your pee has this like distinctive smell. You’ll know it if you eat asparagus.

SAM: Well I don’t eat asparagus.

RAY: You don’t eat asparagus? Asparagus is good.

SAM: Well I wouldn’t know now would I?

RAY: With a little mayonnaise? Man, I could eat a whole bushel.

SAM: You’re an idiot.

RAY: I’m an idiot ‘cause I eat asparagus?

SAM: Well obviously, it makes your pee stink that sure can’t be good for ya.

RAY: You should eat more vegetables. I worry about you.

SAM: Why?

RAY: Vegetables are good for ya, gives ya nice soft dirties.

SAM: Dirties?

RAY: That’s what my mama used to say.

SAM: She said that? Dirties?

RAY: Nice soft dirties. My mama was a lady.

SAM: Well your mom’s an idiot too.

RAY: You callin’ my mama an idiot?

SAM: Well now I shouldn’t say that, I didn’t know your mama, however I know you, and you’re an idiot, and you come from your mama’s loins, so I guess logic would dictate that your mother falls into the same category.

RAY: So… are you callin’ my mama an idiot or not?

[Two women burst in. CARRIE and PATTIE. CARRIE’s pregnant.]

CARRIE: Gangway we got a puker!

PATTIE: I’m gonna barf!

[She stands center holding her mouth.]

SAM: Well we ain’t stoppin’ ya honey.

CARRIE: Over here. Over here!

[Pattie runs to a trash can, barfs.]

SAM: Well, it’s a party now ain’t it!

RAY: Oh man. Here, let me hold your hair back miss.

CARRIE: There you go, let it all out.

RAY: That’s right you just get all them bad toxins out of yer… [sniffs] Say, did you have Chinese food tonight?


RAY: [to Sam] See? See I told ya, I know what I smell.

SAM: What are you talkin’ about?

RAY: That chick’s barf smalls like Egg Foo Young and your piss smells like asparagus.

SAM: What are you some kind of excretion expert?

RAY: I called it. You gotta admit I’m right.

SAM: Look you idiot, that Chinese food hasn’t been processed yet. It smells like Chinese Food because it’s regurgitated Chinese Food! And that piss is just piss! Anything can make piss smell funny, and besides I didn’t have any god damned asparagus!

CARRIE: What’s going on?

RAY: Miss, my name’s Ray and this is Sam, and we’re having a bit of a discrepancy, maybe you can help us.

SAM: Oh for Christ’s sake. Whatever you do, don’t listen to him.

CARRIE: Well, I’m Carrie and this is Pattie. She’s sick…

PATTIE: Food poisoning.

CARRIE: But I’d be willing to help ya if I can.

RAY: Well thank you ma’am. Tell me. You ever eaten asparagus?

CARRIE: Yea. It makes your pee smell funny.

RAY: Yes. That’s right. [to Sam] See?

SAM: Congratulations. You met your soul mate. Why don’t you two go make beautiful piss together.

RAY: Can you do me a favor? Can you come over here and smell my buddy’s piss.

CARRIE: Well, that’s a pick-up line you don’t hear every day.

RAY: I really would appreciate it. I just need a second opinion to see if it smells like asparagus.

CARRIE: What? Come on.

RAY: He says he hasn’t eaten any asparagus, but I think he’s wrong. I think he has. He’s got to!

SAM: Like I don’t know what I’ve eaten. Like just go around eatin’ stuff without lookin’ at it first.

RAY: Please? I know it’s weird.

CARRIE: Well… As you can see I have a tough time sayin’ no. Why not! [to Pattie] You okay honey?

PATTIE: Yea. I’m fine. [barf]

RAY: It’s over here.

CARRIE: You just stay there Pattie.

SAM: Now wait a minute Ray. [takes him aside] You can’t make her do that. She’s in a fambly way!

RAY: What?

SAM: She’s pregnant for God’s sake…

CARRIE: What do you mean?

SAM: Why you could smell that piss and have a reaction, why you could miscarriage on the spot, drop your water or whatever and have a baby behind a bar and well, I’m not gonna take responsibility for it.

CARRIE: Oh that’s ridiculous.

SAM: The hell it is! Why you so much as look at a cat piss in a cat box? Why you’ll have a baby with flippers just like that!

RAY: Did you eat a cat today? Did you eat a cat Sam? Is that what you’re sayin’?

SAM: No, I didn’t eat no damned cat!

RAY: Well you said somethin’ about cat piss, are you a cat then?

SAM: I’m sayin’ piss is toxic for a woman in a fambily way.

CARRIE: I’m just gonna sniff it, it’s not like I’m gonna get down and lap it up.

SAM: Fine. You be my guest. But it’s a proven fact.

CARRIE: Look, we’re takin’ this pregnant woman thing a little to far these days aren’t we? Some pregnant dumb ass decided to eat her pizza after she dumped it upside down in the cat box-- she had a miscarriage and now every pregnant woman in the world so much as sees a cat and she begins screaming bloody murder. I mean come on.

RAY: I don’t get it, is human piss kinda like cat piss Sam? Is that what you’re saying?

SAM: Hey, the human embryo is a delicate thing. There’s a miracle goin’ on inside her belly and I just don’t think she should take any chances.

CARRIE: Look, I’m due any day anyway, if sniffin’ your piss gets this thing out of my belly I’ll name him after you, now let’s do this.

RAY: Great.

SAM: Fine.

CARRIE: But before I do, I want you two to promise me this moment don’t go beyond this back door area.

RAY: What happens behind the bar stays behind the bar.

SAM: That’s right. He’s right there.

CARRIE: All righty then. [She sniffs, head snaps back] Hmmm…

RAY: It’s asparagus pee isn’t it.

CARRIE: Well… [sniffs] on first sniff I’d have to say yes.

RAY: See?

CARRIE: But upon further inspection there’s a tangy hint that I cannot put a finger on.

RAY: Artichoke?

SAM: Nope, now I didn’t have artichoke either.

CARRIE: No, no artichoke. It’s hard to tell but… Oh my.

RAY: What?

CARRIE: I know why it smells different.

RAY: Why?

CARRIE: There’s blood here.

RAY: What?


RAY: Holy shit Sam. Your peein’ blood out your pecker.

SAM: Oh, well hell, that’s not unusual is it?

PATTIE: I’d say it’s highly unusual I suggest you go to the doctor ASAP.

RAY: Sam we better go down to the emergency room right now.

SAM: Oh now, it’s nothing…

RAY: Nothing? What? It’s not nothing, it’s blood!

SAM: Ray come here. Excuse me miss.

CARRIE: Sure thing.

RAY: Sam? What’s goin’ on?

SAM: Well, I uh, didn’t want to tell you this because, well it’s kind of embarrassing.

RAY: What is it Sam?

SAM: Well, I been to the doctor already.

RAY: Sam are you gonna die? Sam, don’t die. Don’t say you gonna die, Sam if you die I’ll friggin’ kill you.

SAM: Now Ray, I ain’t gonna die.

RAY: You ain’t? You sure? Well then what’s wrong?

SAM: You ever heard of a prostate?

RAY: Prostate? What’s a prostate?

PATTIE: It’s a gland.

SAM: Excuse me.

PATTIE: Sorry. It’s a gland near your anus and your urethra that makes sperm.

SAM: Excuse me!

PATTIE: I went to nursing school.

RAY: You a nurse?

PATTIE: No, I dropped out.

SAM: Obviously due to your alcoholism.

PATTIE: I’m not an alcoholic. I got food poisoning.

SAM: Yea and I’m Richard Nixon.

PATTIE: Shut up… Dick… [barf]

RAY: You got a problem with your pecker Sam?

SAM: No I don’t have no problem with my pecker.

RAY: Well then what is it?

SAM: Well it’s just a little Cancer thingy, but I’ll be all right.

RAY: Oh shit Sam!

SAM: Now calm down will ya? It’s fine. I’m goin’ for an operation next week, they think it’s treatable. I’ll be fine. [beat] But I have to tell you though it’s kind of changed me.

RAY: Really?

SAM: Well I don’t know, I guess I just don’t think too much about things anymore. I just do ‘em. Like tonight, I wouldn’t have jumped into this bar fight a year ago, but tonight? Bing bing bing! I was in there. And I felt alive doin’ it. Alive! Just throwin’ some punches, hurling some chairs. Why I felt like… like…

RAY: Burt Reynolds?

SAM: Yea? Like Burt Reynolds in The Longest Yard. Fightin’ cause I got nothin’ to lose. You ladies gonna be all right?

PATTIE: Yea. I don’t think I got’s nothin’ left to puke.

SAM: We gonna get goin’. Come on Ray. See ya.

RAY: You sure you gonna be all right?

SAM: Tell you what. I’ll let you drive the truck.

CARRIE: Hey! [beat] What happens behind the bar stays behind the bar.

SAM: G’night ladies.

[They exit.]

PATTIE: That was weird huh?

CARRIE: Yea. [beat] Uh oh. [feels her tummy] Uh-oh.

PATTIE: Oh no. Is it…?

[Carrie sits down.]

CARRIE: By god that’s dude’s piss did it. She’s comin’.


Copyright © 2006 by Nick Zagone

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that What Happens Behind the Bar... is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional and amateur stage performing, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound taping, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as information storage and retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved.

Inquiries concerning all rights should be addressed to the author at zagonenick@icloud.com or www.facebook.com/nickzagone



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