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by Walter Wykes


NOTE: Actors can and should play multiple roles.

[Lights up on CHORUS. Each chorus member should be dressed as some sort of traditional Las Vegas character—a lounge lizard, a mobster, a showgirl, an Elvis impersonator...]

CHORUS #1: Welcome, my friends, to the city of lights!

CHORUS #2: The city of showgirls and heavyweight fights!

CHORUS #3: The city of blackjack!

CHORUS #2: Love for sale!

CHORUS #1: And Melissa McHiney McNormous McWhale!

[Lights up on MELISSA—an otherwise attractive woman with a grotesquely large buttocks.]

CHORUS #3: Melissa was different, and this is no jive—

CHORUS #2: Her measurements: 36-22-85!

CHORUS #1: Yes, her bottom was sizably larger than others.

CHORUS #2: It was two times the size of all six of her brothers.

BROTHER #1: Fat-ass!

BROTHER #2: Jelly-butt!

BROTHER #3: Dinosaur!

BROTHER #1: Freak!

CHORUS #3: She was somewhat ashamed of her strange-shaped physique.

CHORUS #1: Until one day, in her oversized Prada,

CHORUS #2: She stumbled upon Las Vegas, Nevada—

CHORUS #1: A city where oddities don’t make you lame,

CHORUS #3: But instead bring you riches and fortune and fame.

CHORUS #2: Step right up, folks! It’d be quite a blunder
To miss out on this physiological wonder!
Feast your eyes, if you will, on the curious tail
Of Melissa McHiney McNormous McWhale!

SPECTATOR #1: My god! She’s enormous!

SPECTATOR #2: How’d they get her inside?!

SPECTATOR #3: It must be a fake! No one’s butt is that wide!

CHORUS #1: They gaped and they ogled.

CHORUS #2: They came every night.

CHORUS #3: When she wiggled her bottom they’d squeal with delight.

SPECTATOR #3: Did you see how it jiggled?!

SPECTATOR #1: It gives me the shivers!

SPECTATOR #2: It’s the rippling effect where she really delivers!

CHORUS #1: She was quite the sensation.

CHORUS #2: No longer a chump.

CHORUS #3: And all on account of her ginormous rump!

CHORUS #1: They put her on billboards!

CHORUS #2: Celebrity panels!

CHORUS #1 : On magazine covers!

CHORUS #2: The Gambling Channel!

CHORUS #3: On the Strip they erected a fifty-foot statue
With an ass that appeared to be coming right at you!

CHORUS #2: It was fitted with thousands of big neon lights.

CHORUS #1: So it lit up the city on the darkest of nights.

CHORUS #3: But in spite of the fanfare and parties they’d thrown
Deep inside, Melissa still felt quite alone.

CHORUS #2: Then one fateful night, a strange-looking joe
Slipped into her dressing room after a show.

MELISSA: Who are you?

STRANGER: Don’t be frightened. I’ve come to correct
Your terrible monstrous ginormous defect!

MELISSA: My defect?

STRANGER: Your backside! Your deformed hindquarter!
With my skills I can make it considerably shorter!

MELISSA: But people here love me. They built me a statue.

STRANGER: That statue is only intended to mock you!
Can’t you see you’re a monster! A freakish mutation!

MELISSA: Go away!

STRANGER: Not until I have offered salvation!
I can fix you. You see, I’m a world-renowned surgeon.
My name is Dr. Sylvester McPurgeon.
I can take your deformity—cut it just so
And voila! You’ll look just like Bridgette Bardot!
Here’s my card. You may call any time, night or day.

CHORUS #3: And with that the good doctor scampered away.

CHORUS #1: That night, as Melissa tossed in her bed,
McPurgeon’s cruel words danced around in her head.

STRANGER: Can’t you see you’re a monster! A freakish mutation!

MELISSA: He’s right! I’ll try the proposed amputation!

CHORUS #2: That morning, she took the first bus of the day—

CHORUS #3 : To go see the surgeon and lose her boo-tay.

CHORUS #1: But as Fate would have it—

CHORUS #2: And Fate rules this town.

CHORUS #3: On this very bus sat Marvin the Clown.

MARVIN: Howdy doo! How ya doing? Do ya ride the bus often?

CHORUS #1: And right away her resolve started to soften.

CHORUS #3: For Marvin, like her, had an uncommon trait.

MELISSA: Your feet …

CHORUS #2: They were large.

CHORUS #1: They were size ninety-eight.

MARVIN: Yes, my feet are gigantic.

MELISSA: They match my rear-end.

MARVIN: I believe we are destined to be more than friends.

CHORUS #3: That very day, they became man and wife.

CHORUS #1: They found a small chapel and bonded for life.

CHORUS #2: Overseeing the service was a big, sweaty Elvis

CHORUS #1: Who crooned their vows while shaking his pelvis.

CHORUS #3: [As ELVIS, shaking pelvis.] Love her tender! Love her true!



CHORUS #3: [As ELVIS, shaking pelvis.] Well, then kiss her, you fool!

CHORUS #1 : Yes, Melissa had finally found her soul mate.

CHORUS #2: They booked a room at the Luxor and began to procreate.

CHORUS #3: And it turns out Melissa was in for a treat.

MARVIN: ‘Cause you know what they say about men with big feet!

CHORUS #1: Melissa and Marvin had kids of all sizes—

CHORUS #2: With gargantuan noses and humongous eyeses.

CHORUS #3: With fingers that stretched right up to the stars!

CHORUS #2: And breasts that were larger than many small cars!

CHORUS #1: Some could read minds!

CHORUS #3: Some could dance unsurpassed!

CHORUS #2: And one could pull doves right out of his … … … hat.

CHORUS #1: They filled the Strip with so many strange forms
That oversized body parts soon were the norm.

CHORUS #3: And those who’d made normal such a priority
Were now the dully symmetric minority.

SPECTATOR #2: My butt is so small!

SPECTATOR #3: I can’t make it jiggle!

SPECTATOR #1: If only I had just a little more wiggle!

CHORUS #2: Melissa and Marvin had conquered the town.

CHORUS #3: Their progeny thrived and earned them renown.

CHORUS #1: Then one day they vanished—

CHORUS #2: Just dropped out of sight.

CHORUS #3: No one knows where they went—

CHORUS #1: Or if they’re all right.

CHORUS #3: But according to rumor, they went to Groom Lake—

CHORUS #2: Were mistaken for aliens and shot by mistake.

CHORUS #1: We hope it’s not true.

CHORUS #2: But you never can tell.

CHORUS #3: In Las Vegas, nothing ends very well.

CHORUS #2: And that, my friends, is the tragical tale

CHORUS #1: Of Melissa McHiney McNormous McWhale.

* * *

Purchase this script

Copyright © 2006 by Walter Wykes

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that The Tragical Tale of Melissa McHiney McNormous McWhale is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional and amateur stage performing, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound taping, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as information storage and retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved.

Inquiries concerning all rights should be addressed to the author at sandmaster@aol.com



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