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SMOKE SCENES

by Nick Zagone


CHARACTERS
JOHN
MARSHA

[Lights up on JOHN and MARSHA. They’re actors. On stage with John and Marsha there might be some chairs.]

JOHN: 51 short plays about smoke in ten minutes. Go.

MARSHA: Do you smell smoke?

JOHN: What? (sniffs) No.

MARSHA: Oh.

JOHN and MARSHA: (wiping hands over face and bowing head) Aaaaaand scene.

MARSHA: Do you smell smoke?

JOHN: No, not at all! Why?!

MARSHA: Hmmm.

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

MARSHA: Do you small smoke?

JOHN: No.

MARSHA: I could swear I smell something burning…

JOHN: (points at something) Agghhhaaaa!

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

MARSHA: Do you small smoke?

JOHN: No.

MARSHA: I could swear I smell something burning…

JOHN: You’re crazy. There’s something wrong with you. You got problems! Forget this--I want a divorce.

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

MARSHA: Do you smell smoke?

JOHN: No! For the last time! No! NO!!

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

MARSHA: Do you smell smoke?

JOHN: I love you.

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

JOHN: Do you smell smoke?

MARSHA: Oh go to hell.

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

JOHN: Mind if I smoke?

MARSHA: No go right ahead.

JOHN: Thanks.

MARSHA: I used to be a smoker. I like the smell.

JOHN: I really appreciate it.

MARSHA: No problem. So I was wondering maybe I could…

JOHN: Taxi!

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

JOHN: Mind if I smoke?

MARSHA: No, go right ahead.

JOHN: Sorry, I know, nasty habit, but I love it. If I could smoke all day I would. I could be on a desert island with just me and my smokes. I just need a break. Get away from it all. By myself for a while, just me alone and my smokes. Nobody ya know. Desert Island, seriously, me myself and I, and my smokes. Wouldn’t that be great.

MARSHA: Yea. So would you like some company?

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaand scene.

JOHN: Mind if I smoke?

MARSHA: Not at all, I’m a smoker too.

JOHN: You smoke? Fantastic.

MARSHA: Let’s smoke!

JOHN: Yes! Let us smoke!

MARSHA: Let’s smoke and smoke and smoke!

JOHN: Let’s smoke until we cannot smoke anymore!

MARSHA: Let’s smoke until we die!

JOHN: Do you have a light?

MARSHA: Ah, shit.

JOHN: Taxi!

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

JOHN: Mind if I smoke?

MARSHA: No. Yes. Well, maybe. Well, I don’t know. Ummm. I don’t want to tell you what to do, but I do care about my health, but I’m sure one little smoke isn’t going to kill me. I’m conflicted. I guess it depends if you’re coming on to me.

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

JOHN: Mind if I smoke?

MARSHA: Mind if I die you selfish prick?

JOHN: Mind if I smoke?

MARSHA: No. Mind if I blow ping pong balls out of my vagina?

JOHN: Mind if I smoke?

MARSHA: (grabs him and kisses him) Take me now or lose me forever.

JOHN: Taxi!

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

JOHN: Care for a smokie?

MARSHA: An Oscar Mayer pork sausage you mean?

JOHN: Yeah, a little smokie, an hors devours for one… or two!

MARSHA: Mmmm-Mmm. Love those smokies!

JOHN: It’s a party in a can!

MARSHA: Now in turkey!

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

JOHN: Care for a smokie?

MARSHA: An Oscar Mayer pork sausage you mean?

JOHN: Yeah, a little smokie, an hors devours for one… or two!

MARSHA: I wouldn’t eat one of those if you paid me.

JOHN: Now in turkey!

Care for a smokie?

MARSHA: An Oscar Mayer pork sausage you mean?

JOHN: Yeah, a little smokie, an hors devours for one… or two!

MARSHA: I’d rather eat my own feces!

JOHN: Now in turkey!

Care for a smokie?

MARSHA: An Oscar Mayer pork sausage you mean?

JOHN: No, I mean a smoking pile of your own feces! Of course I mean an Oscar Mayer pork sausage!

MARSHA: Taxi!

JOHN: Care for a smokie?

MARSHA: No. No thank you.

JOHN: They’re good.

MARSHA: Sorry, I’m a vegan.

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene.

And now our scene “Care for a Smokie” by Anton Chekhov

JOHN: So. That’s the end of life here. Care… for a… smokie?

MARSHA: That’s funny, I can’t seem to find… No… No thank you.

JOHN: It’s cold out. Thirty degrees. They’re good. The smokies.

MARSHA: Where did it go? Yes, it’s cold. It’s the end of life here. Sorry, I’m a vegan.

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene. “Care for a Smokie” by Sophocles!

JOHN: Citizens! I will find this smokie and end the plague!

MARSHA: You are the one you seek!

JOHN: Yes! I am! I could eat, but I could not taste!

MARSHA: Oh curs-ed man. The gods will punish you. Cannot you see we are Vegans!

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaaand scene. “Care for a Smokie” by Shakespeare!

JOHN: Do you careth for smokie bode bodkin?

MARSHA: Rogue! I would lift my dress to a catfish!

JOHN: Come then, you lady are a fishmonger!

MARSHA: Words, words, words! Vegan am I, get thee gone!

JOHN: By Edward Albee!

MARSHA: What a dumpy can of smokies! Who said that? What a dumpy can of smokies!

JOHN: I don’t know!

MARSHA: Yes you do, you milquetoast good for nothing!

JOHN: I killed him! Our son was a Vegan! And I killed him!

MARSHA: Sam Shepard! You! You couldn’t even steal a can of smokies!

JOHN: You don’t think I can steal a smokie? I can steal a smokie I can fill this kitchen with smokies!

Eugene Ionesco!

MARSHA: Did you just see that herd of smokies running through town?

JOHN: I will not capitulate to the nazis! I mean the smokies!

MARSHA: Arthur Miller!

JOHN: For god’s sake dad your smokies are a dime a dozen and so are you!

MARSHA: Tennessee Williams!

JOHN: Blow out your smokies Laura, and so, goodbye.

MARSHA: David Mamet!

JOHN: Fuck you and your fuckin’ smokies you stupid fuck!

MARSHA: Martin Scorcese!

JOHN: Fuck you and your fuckin’ smokies you stupid fuck!

MARSHA: Andrew Lloyd Webber!

JOHN: (sings) “Midnight and the smokies are burning”

MARSHA: Marcel Marceau!

[They pantomime the scene, John ends it by giving Marsha a big red plastic flower.]

MARSHA: Tony Kushner!

JOHN: Please. Smokies are so Steven Spielberg.

Absurdism! “Care for a smokie?”

MARSHA: We should really go get some smokies.

JOHN: Yes we should.

MARSHA: Maybe tomorrow.

JOHN: Yes.

Realism! “Care for a smokie?”

MARSHA: Why wouldn’t I want a smokie?

JOHN: Existentialism! “Care for a smokie?”

MARSHA: If I am nothing else, I am a smokie.

JOHN: Surrealism! “Care for a smokie?”

MARSHA: Fishy. Fishy. Fish. Fish. Melted clock.

JOHN: Expressionism “Care for a smokie?”

[Puts his hands on his cheeks, mouth open a la Evard Munch]

Philosophical! “Care for a smokie?”

MARSHA: What do mean by smokie?

JOHN: Intellectual! “Care for a smokie?”

MARSHA: That depends on what you mean by smokie.

JOHN: Actual! “Care for a smokie?”

MARSHA: Actually? No.

JOHN: Aaand scene. How many is that?

MARSHA: 40! Ten more! One minute! What are we going to do?

JOHN: Got it! One-person historical figure plays! Nixon! Go!

MARSHA: I am not a smokie!

JOHN: Martin Luther King!

MARSHA: I have a smokie!

JOHN: Clinton!

MARSHA: Smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em!

JOHN: What?

MARSHA: Sorry I mean… give me an easy one…

JOHN: Ruth Bader Ginsberg!

MARSHA: Easier.

JOHN: Lincoln!

MARSHA: Let my smokies go!

JOHN: That’s Moses.

MARSHA: Is it?

JOHN: Yes. “Four score and seven smokies!” This isn’t working. Here, give me three at a time.

MARSHA: Orson Wells. Paris Hilton. And… that guy over there (points to someone in audience).

JOHN: “Smokie.” “Smokie. That’s hot.” “Smokie.” How’s that?

MARSHA: Sucked. Here I got one, God.

JOHN: God? Let’s start at the beginning.

MARSHA: In the beginning there was the smokie.

JOHN: No I mean, (sits) “Do you smell smoke?”

MARSHA: Okay. “Do smell smoke?”

JOHN: (sniffs) Why yes, yes I do.

JOHN and MARSHA: Aaand Scene.

BLACKOUT


Copyright © 2008 by Nick Zagone

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that Smoke Scenes is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional and amateur stage performing, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound taping, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as information storage and retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved.

Inquiries concerning all rights should be addressed to the author at zagonenick@icloud.com or www.facebook.com/nickzagone

 

 



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